Condemnation for Grace

Why do I let myself get caught in the narrow, me-focused corner? The place where judgment and endless effort oppress me. I seclude myself and look for ways in which I could be better, punishing myself for not living up to the standards I've set. I also look out to the world and bring the same condemnation to everyone I see. Complaints and judgments of character spew from my mouth.

Where is the evidence of the grace I've been given? What have I done with such an amazing gift? I've thrown it in the mud and stomped on it, choosing oppression over freedom. Why? Why do I keep falling into this trap? I have declared that my evaluation is better than Almighty God's. Why can't I accept the Father's provision for my inadequacies? Why must I judge myself more harshly than the Judge Himself? And what gives me the right to judge others on my own set of values?

Suddenly I fear those words: "Do not judge, lest you be judged." If I had not condemned those around me, I wouldn't even experience that condemnation myself. Yet, if I continue to do so, I will be just like them, receiving those harsh words, but this time from the Ultimate Authority.

But, there are those few precious moments when other people manage to fight their way into my life, insistent on drawing near despite the harsh look on my face and the determinedness in my walk. Somehow they bring a smile onto my face, and not a fake one either. Somehow I feel like I can breathe again. It is as if, for a few brief minutes, the condemnation has vanished and life is just, well, alive. I realize that these people are not expecting so much from me, and that in thinking that they do, I've missed the whole point. Striving to perform for their acceptance has not gained me anything of the sort! In fact, it distances me from them and any type of association with them at all.

If I am to receive the kind of belonging that I'm searching for, I have to change my whole outlook on life. Instead of seeing the flaws, I must see the beauty. I must learn to believe that the flaws aren't really that troublesome. The flaws are what we all have in common and that should actually bring us together rather than separate us. I need to step out from that narrow corner and into the room where the rest of the world is just waiting to love me and accept me. And I need to crawl into those open arms of the Father and ask him to wash off the mud and renew the grace I have cast aside. Only then will I truly live. Only then will I feel a sense of belonging.